“You’re the most alone person I’ve ever met.”
This was something my Friend Out West once said to me. It wasn’t with any malice, just an observation. I chuckled at that, as I do with most things. Laughter is my mode of deflection, after all. Still, I think she had a point. I kind of have a pattern of building backstops and escape routes, just in case things go sour. It’s like Neal McCauley’s line in Michael Mann’s Heat, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” My grandmother used to complain that as a kid, I’d never stay in a room with her for very long. I didn’t hate her or anything. I just felt she needed her own space.
That conversation kind of continued on a beach, where the same friend sat next to me while the waves rolled in.
“I know you like to keep to yourself. I get that. Everyone wants ‘me’ time, and you’re not exactly an easy person to ‘get to know’. Our door is open, though. You’re invited. You’re always welcome, we love you. Just understand that we won’t constantly beg you to come in. We’ll be over here, enjoying ourselves and doing ‘us’ things, and we hope you’ll jump in, too. We’ll save you a seat. If you don’t use it, that’s on you. Don’t be an ass.” she smiled and got up, walking back over to the rest of the group. She didn’t say it exactly that way, but that is how I recall it after all these years, way before she became a Mom and I decided to get my own place. We’re still keeping tabs on each other, some 30+ years later.
I’m still an ass, though, it seems.
Those close to me don’t really care. My friend Jay finds the strangest stuff online and sends it to me, despite my not ever logging in to Instagram for days (or weeks) on end. I do get back to him. My brother calls me every few weekends to shoot the breeze, with the understanding that I may not pick up right away (or will ask him via text if it’s an Emergency). If he catches me, he has me for hours, as I love hearing about his adventures. My little brother is even more reclusive than I am, which worries me a little. He’s up at 2am, hitting a near gym before getting ready for work. When he gets home, he’s rebuilding a desk or upgrading his computer. I know he can stand on his own two feet, but I hope he understands there help if he ever needs any. We’ve both proved to ourselves we can stand alone and be alright, so I guess the next logical step is to apply that to groups? We’ve agreed that in emergencies, we’ll drop what we’re doing and connect. Happily, we’ve both kept to that.
I think I became a bit more reclusive for 2025 than I should have. These four walls have kept me grounded, but at the same time, I’ve had to make a few deals to keep being social. Once a month, I check in with my friend/co-worker for a Movie and a Dinner night with his family. I’ve shown up early in the evening and have almost stayed overnight in some cases. I’ve known them for over a decade. I was great for most of the year, from January to Halloween. November and December’s been a bit cold, though.
Every celebrity death knocked me down a peg and made me just a bit quietet. I honestly haven’t been right since David Lynch passed, and that was January. I’d start writing about something and then hit this point where I’d lose interest in discussing / sharing what I’m thinking. I saw something, I liked (or hated) it, and that was enough. This, of course, is crap, because it doesn’t serve any usefulness until it hits the Page.
I run with my Xbox Live party, made up of a father/son duo I’ve known since about 2004. We used to run late night marathon weekends, with clan matches in Ghost Recon or finding any Co-Op game we could work on. Since I moved out, though, most of things that my family would handle for me (laundry, cooking dinner) are on me now, which causes a numerous amount of breaks in gaming. That, along with the hard stop at 6pm for the twin set of Live Tweets put a bit of a strain of things. The dad would often jump in with me, watching along with the films, but Amazon’s additions of ads in their films would cause a desync. I was either re-syncing myself with the Dad (which kept me off pace with the group) or matching the group, which messed up the local sync. After numerous instances of this, I ended up distancing myself from Live Tweets (and Twitter, by extension) altogether. I think after 20 years of gaming, we’ve become old and cranky. With my attention span broken all the time because of watching movies on my phone while gaming, we’ve had a few arguments. “JAFO” is the callout from the party, reminding me to refocus.
2025 for me wasn’t as rough as it could be. Others I know (and some even in my closest circles) have had it much harder than I ever could have, and I’m thankful it went as smoothly as it did. 2026 is going to be a doozy.
I spent the minutes leading up to 2026 in my apartment with a bottle of wine and bag of grapes, thankful for this little place of mine. With each grape, I gave thanks to something. I was thankful my family is still hanging in there, despite all of the changes that occurred over the year. I gave a quiet wish to my friends (online and off), hoping they’ll find ways to laugh and love. I was thankful for my DayJob for keeping me afloat. I have no idea how long it’ll last me, but I’m happy it was there. Thankful for the Shattered Lens for putting me in touch with films I wouldn’t have otherwise run into (like Mr. Majestyk and The Bird With the Crystal Plumage, both I went back to during the year) Thankful for my little brother’s phone calls and rambling conversations on How to Thrive in Interesting Times. Thankful for the laughs with my Xbox Live Party, Souless and Nightwolf, & the Baldur’s Gate campaign that never seems to end. Happy for the check-ins from the MafiaFamily, a trio of friends I’ve known since the early 2000s.
Midnight.
Watching the crowds and the kissing in Times Square, I shook my head and smiled. Years ago, I once tried to join that group, since the company I work for had their offices some blocks away. It turns out that around 8pm, anyone standing behind the barriers in Times Square are locked in for the 4 hours leading up to Midnight. That large drink you picked up from Sbarros will have to come in handy if you have to use the restroom. I can only imagine what that place is like by 1am. Instead, I rang in the year with a Movie. This year’s choice was the Coen Brothers’ The Hudsucker Proxy, one of my favorites. It did not disappoint.
So, what’s in store for 2026? I don’t fully know.
I could give one of those “New Year, New Me” speeches, but let’s be real. You can start a “New You” program any day of the week. It’s like Jason Bourne switching out a new passport. I have some medical issues to address (which may most likely involve surgery I’ve put off for the better part of a decade out of my fear of being split open and rummaged into by doctors), so those are the low hanging fruit for at least the first quarter of the year. I got both my brother and my Friend Out West keeping an eye on me with that for updates.
I don’t have many movies on my radar. There’s Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey, of course. There’s also Ready or Not: Here I Come, which looks interesting. I wish I could say I was excited for Avengers: Doomsday. I’m always happy for Team Downey, though. I’ll have to see what’s on the horizon.
I am trying to be more “there”. The Live Party agreed to tackle Madden 25’s Franchise Mode. I was warned in advance that this would be a commitment (as we’d pick teams and play a full season or more week by week). We choose to stick with the AFC West, with Souless (Raiders), Wolf (Chargers), and myself (Broncos) all set. It involved a full 54 Round Draft that ran from about 4pm to Midnight last night. The boredom? Almost Insurmountable. I already feel myself wanting to run. Still, they seemed to enjoy themselves, which is what counts. Our first Preseason game is this week.
Here’s to being less of an ass, and wishing you all the very best!
